This is my temporary cure it seems. Writing helps relieve the sting. I must pour out the
turmoil of feelings that drown me, they must go somewhere or I will surely go mad. Talking helps, but I can feel myself boring my friends with the same blabber, my pathetic confessions and indecisive declarations. Perhaps that is my own insecurity and self judgement, whichever the case, I must write. I confess, I had a moment of relapse, and I am feeling incredibly foolish for being weak. I told him I miss him. It is true, I miss him so very much. Are my true feelings a sign of weakness, should I not be missing him this way. Should I have more self control and know that missing him and telling him is not owning my power. Should I simply silence my fastidious mind and stop asking so many 'should' questions, stop analyzing and making conclusions. The truth of the matter is, at this moment, I don't want to have power, I don't want to be strong, I want to fall to my knees and curl up into a little ball and cry. There is a heaviness is my chest, weighing me down, clouding my entire body, making it hard to breath. Only two weeks have passed since I pulled my self out of the tornado of emotions that was engulfing us both. It seems as if I simply jumped out of one tornado into another. I know time helps, but I am impatient. I want to be foolish, impatient, pathetic and weak. Whatever emotion pours out of me, let me feel it, flaunt it and embrace it, because it is genuine and that is not shameful.
Its so stupid, isn't it!!! So fucking stupid! To be miserable because you feel you can't be without someone. To feel as if death has taken someone away from you and you are never to feel their blissful presence filling every fiber of your being. It's stupid because that person has not been taken by death, that person is a live and breathing, but yet they are still gone, because love is what is dying.We were in a deep dark whole, but I saw the light above, I saw hope. As Gandhi said once, “Where there is love there is life.” The deeper we sank into darkness the more the light faded, the more I lost hope. I lost my faith. Why do we kill love with our selfishness, our pride, our egotism. We are greedy, selfish, self seeking beings that so often take for granted the fragility of love.
Let us be better.
Let us love more.
Let us love selflessly.
Let us be the light.
In owning our pain and sharing it with others we allow others to see our vulnerabilities, our humanity. We invite others to feel what we feel, to love what we love, to dance with us, and to take joy with us.