Friday, June 20, 2014

Scratching my scabs

How are you?
I am often asked. 
Unstable, that is the honest answer. 
I am unstable. 
I go in and out of moments, high and lows. Sometimes I'm numb. One moment I am talking enthusiastically about all the things I want to do and the endless possibilities. I am dreaming! The next moment I realize that my dream is absent of him, and then I am right back down. Absent of him, oh how that pains me. I cry in the bathroom, that is usually where I take some space when I have to. I have been crying less, no more than twice a day now, sometimes only once! It feels good to cry, but I fear that with every tear that releases the pain, I am letting go more and more. And in letting go, I am letting go of him and my love for him.

There are moments, I admit, that forgetting him appears to be an easy task. Those are the moments where I think about all the things that went wrong in our relationship. When I think about the fighting, the constant turmoil, the pain and the rejection.  I don't want those things, they hurt me so much, of course I want to move away from that and hope for something better. Then I think about all the wonderful moments that were full of love and passion! Those moments were amazing, so fucking amazing that I am terrified that I wont be able to find anything quite like it again. What a sad life that would be, to be forever longing to feel sometime thing you once felt before, this is what it must feel like to be an addict. I am so very much addicted to him. Even now I am fighting a strong urge to reach out to him, how I miss him.

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