I cant help it, or maybe I can, but I don't want to right now. I am still holding on and not wanting to let go, as if I am afraid to loose hope. But why? Why am I floating between hope and hopelessness. I want to move forward, to feel empowered, and self sufficient. Perhaps I do not doubt my ability to rationalize the circumstances and decide that what happened is for the best, that I will be okay and that all this pain will pass. Letting go of something you love and believe in is so difficult, giving up is so difficult. I am reading, researching, interviewing, asking questions, trying to understand what went wrong and why, but even more so, I admit, I am wondering if there still is hope for restoration, maybe not now, but down the line. Some of the greatest love stories are the ones that overcame the most unlikely of circumstances. Is it foolish of me to not want to give up on this love story, to know that love is still very much present, but it was being stunted by hurt, anger and resentment. Perhaps time itself is necessary to heal individual wounds in order to pave a foundation where love will have a place to be nurtured and thrive. True love will not dissipate with distance, rather it will grow fonder and reveal the depths of the soul. Call me a hopeless romantic, maybe I am hopeless, or perhaps I am a fool in love and denial, but regardless of my senselessness, I am without a doubt feeling a whole lot. And to feel so deeply is both a blessing and a curse.
The conflict, you see, is that I am at last embracing my emotional nature, the fool in me that loves so passionately and has such high needs. I am understanding that I am very much a feeler, however I have long convinced my self that I am a rational person. My introverted nature keeps me in constant introspection, analyzing and rationalizing. Making connections between the outer world, my experiences and how I feel, trying to understand and categorize. Trying to CONTROL.
To control is to protect, we all do it, it is our nature to self preserve, as we are truly fragile creatures. We learn to avoid pain and we welcome gratification. What does it look like to accept pain? To sit in it and realize that whatever does not kill you, ultimately does make you stronger. Let me be clear, I do not speak of physical pain, rather a metaphysical pain; the pain of the soul. Does this translate into acquiring a higher tolerance for pain? To be able to tolerate more pain before reaching a point of dismay? If so, is this something truly desirable? To accept the idea of continuos suffering and existing gracefully in the idea that pain is natural and that one must embrace it. However, if pain is continuos and something you can't truly escape, then there is no end in it. If there is no end then there is no beginning, then it is not linear, rather it just is. Perhaps what it means to be human, is to exist through a fluctuation of moments when pain is more apparent, less tolerated, concentrated, powerful and overbearing. To exist is to be in pain, there is no escaping it in this life when are souls are bound to a body and mind that reasons. Rather there is only accepting it and understanding the beauty of it. The beauty of pain is, that because we feel pain, we full heartily take joy in love. Love does not demolish pain, rather it soothes it and makes room for hope. Hope. Hope for what? To be freed of suffering, well that contradicts my former statement. No, not hope from escaping pain, rather hope is finding peace in the knowing that we are not alone in our suffering, that we are all souls in longing.
Hope in being. Hope in connecting and sharing with others. Hope in loving one another through the struggle.